8. Action list

From The Bible, New International Version, Second Timothy chapter 3: 1-5

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud,abusive, disobedient to their parents,ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godlinessbut denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”

There is an urgency to strengthen ourselves and our children in this amoral and abusive environment. “Building Characters and Virtues” together is no longer an academic discussion. Now it’s time to act.

Any intention to help our children to build characters and virtues, starts with us. 

How should we go about starting and sustaining the journey of growth?

1. Acknowledge the need: see the reality around and not live in our constructed bubble. Take inventory of our own character strength and weakness. 

2. Becoming the person and family you want to be: Devise and modify plans to grow. Take time to make changes. Small steps make changes sustainable. 

3. Connecting to support your effort and practice: Find people who can help. Have great conversations. Take your family for a hike and talk. Or take them out one at a time to communicate about how we can all grow to be a better student, parent, friend, etc. 

Please leave your precious experiences and comment below. Leave a legacy, make further suggestion and contributions. We appreciate your participation in this project, “Building Characters and Virtues”. 

7. Which Characters and Virtues do you and your child need to develop?

 Amongst these six areas of development, which one will fit your needs for this season of life? And which one will meet the needs of your child?

1. Desiring Wisdom
2. Shaping Courage
3. Nurturing Humanity
4. Strengthening Justice
5. Developing Temperance
6. Cultivating Transcendence

Below are stories from our fellow parents:

Parent A- We need to "nurture our humanity." As the family grows, we lose patience, kindness and hold grudges. As parents, we must be kinder to ourselves and not push as hard. We need to understand the stress of this generation and their challenges. Try to listen more, accept our own weaknesses, and have self-compassion. Be able to forgive and be loving toward each other.

Parent B- We "desire wisdom." When our child approaches a season of identity formation, they look to their friends for affirmation. They explore their gender, sexual, ethnic, racial, family, religious and spiritual identities rapidly. As parents, we are learning about the complexities of the social context and their own struggles. We need the wisdom to understand, discern and be in dialogue with our children.

Parent C- We need to "develop temperance." The skills to self-regulate our disappointment, frustrations, and anger when things are not going our way are greatly needed. Our children observe us and learn from us. It becomes a family practice when we can take a deep breath, step back, and calm ourselves first. Our actions speak louder than words. We also need to work on humility. Learn and respect the strength of others. Learn not to brag about our own accomplishments and still be able to celebrate and affirm our successes.

 

Please share your stories in the comment section below, so we can all benefit from your experiences. Looking forward to hearing from you!

6. Cultivating Transcendence

 Transcendence is an inner quality that may be discovered early on in life or cultivated throughout life. Some call it an awareness of mystery, beauty, and universe. It is a connection to a wider universe and meaning. The following qualities are highly related and express this important character or virtue. 

1. Appreciation of beauty: noticing, enjoying, and savoring the beauty in nature, people, and things around. Slowing down our busy pace of life, take time out to observe, listen, touch, feel, and sense. How do we cultivate appreciation of beauty within ourselves and our children?

2. Gratitude: Connect with words, pictures, and movements in expressing the wonder, joy, and thankfulness of the moment, the experience, and the journey took.What kind of gratitude exercises we practice at home?

3. Hope: Think about positive possibilities and expect something good, and work towards it with perseverance. Where is our source of hope in life? How do we develop such qualities?

4. Humor: Be able to take ourselves less seriously. Accept the absurdities of life and have room to laugh and make others laugh. Humor is also an ability to see ourselves in a healthy, balanced way. Humor is the ability to see the lighter side of suffering and pain and find joy. How often do you laugh? and what kind of funny stories you like to share?

5. Spirituality: Scientist and philosophers consistently defines it as our search for or connection with the "Sacred". The "Sacred" connection may be with God or with a wider life experience than just ourselves. Spirituality may consist of beliefs, values, experiences, purpose, calling, practices of what is good and meaningful. What is your family spirituality rooted in? How do you practice and pass it on to your next generation?

To Do List:

 > Internet searches for teaching inner beauty for girls

> Practice daily gratitude for meals and bedtimes

> Internet searches on the subject of hope for teenagers

> Ask your teens to tell you jokes they hear

> Attend Alpha Youth (Judeo-Christian/Evangelical tradition)

> Read a good book: Late Spring Life Journey Tung Lau

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=late+spring+lifes+journey+tung+lau&i=stripbooks&crid=3GR58S56FV9TM&sprefix=late+spring+lifes+journey+tung+lau%2Cstripbooks%2C138&ref=nb_sb_noss

5. Developing Temperance

 "Temperance" in the classification of characters and virtues comprises self-regulation, prudence, humility, and forgiveness. These are concepts leading to self-management skills. 

Developing skills for teens

1. Self-Regulation: Impulsivity and rigid control are the extremes of self-regulation. As parents, we can shape this balancing skill. When our children become too impulsive, we help them develop guidelines and boundaries. Avoid being too strict and rigid. Otherwise, our children shut down and do not talk. They suppress their emotions, and they may blow up later. We encourage them to express their negative feelings promptly. Self-regulation skills emerge out of these daily conversations and accepting interactions. As they put it in words, they have a sense of control and feel that someone understands and accepts the everyday struggles of life in a loving manner.

2. Prudence: We can encourage our children to weigh out risks and opportunities, make informed decisions, and act responsibly. Guide them through consequential thinking by asking good questions rather than lecturing. Ask them about their concerns, worries, and struggles. 

3. Humility: It is not looking down on self or self-bragging. It is not to draw attention to self or avoid recognition and praise. Humility is an accurate assessment of self and can affirm ourselves and others. Humility is feeling confident and at ease when people compliment us. As parents, we do not compare them with their peers. We salute our children for the qualities they exhibit. Daily building up self-confidence is the pathway to appreciating the fact that everyone has their own unique strengths.

4. Forgiveness: This quality comes with self-compassion. When we as parents practice accepting our own weaknesses. We will come across as more human, less demanding, less complaining, and more accepting. We can say sorry and better understand our spouses' and children's struggles. We can forgive easier. And thus, our children may forgive themselves as they hear us say, "It's O.K.!"

Resources

Self-regulation https://parentandteen.com/self-regulation/

Prudence/Decision Making https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=understanding-the-teen-brain-1-3051

Humility https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/humility_reflection_for_teens

Forgiveness https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/nine_steps_to_forgiveness

4. Strengthening Justice

 As parents, this is a complex and challenging subject to live out and demonstrate to our children. Among the characters and virtues we discussed, Justice involves values, philosophy, ethics, culture, personal experiences, and emotions. In the West, Justice is a Latin word, Jus, which means correct or law. It is closely related to the concept of Fairness. We can have "just standard," but we may not receive "fair treatment."  This brings out the personal aspect of values and the social dimension of action. In the East, the Chinese word is RenYi (仁義) benevolence or GongYi (公義) righteousness. Again, it brings out the dimensions of values and social action.

For our practical purpose of parenting, there are three aspects of how we as parents can help instill and strengthen this character:

1. Fairness: Listen to our children when they express, "this is not fair." This opens up a good conversation in exploring their concept, values, and life circumstances so we better understand what they need. Avoid lecturing them and, thus, shutting down the golden opportunity of shaping their character. Only when our children feel we are listening and valuing their ideas can we discuss the characters and virtues desired.

2. Leadership: Create opportunities and encourage our kids to express their ideas and take action to make things happen. Be a leader rather than wait for someone else to take charge. 

3. Teamwork: Treat others as we deserve. Take responsibility for doing our parts and encourage others to do theirs. When facing unfair situations, encourage our children to speak up and take action. 

3. Nurturing Humanity

If we take a survey among parents and ask, what is the top quality of being a human being? The answer will be...

Love

Love and being loved are the two sides of the same coin to the top quality of being Human. Most cultures and generations before and after agree on this. To love and be loved, we need to have the ability to read social cues and body language. We can reciprocate and respond to the complexity of social interactions. Social intelligence and social-emotional skills are needed to bring out our love, kindness, care, generosity, forgiveness, etc. In return, we also receive from others the love and care that characterizes the best of humanity.

In reality, we do not forget the worst of humanity exists within ourselves, with our families,  neighborhood, society, country, and nations. 

Actions

We nurture humanity and a healthy self to live through life's storms and setbacks. We foster strong, loving relationships. We promote solid social-emotional skills with our children and spouse. We nurture decisive actions in caring, kindness, and compassion toward each other.

Reflection

Who do I learn my social-emotional skills from, for better or worse?

How can I develop a safe and trusting relationship that provides an excellent example of kindness, care, compassion, and love?

 Resource

Card games promoting communication https://parentsarehuman.com/

Social-emotional bonding https://www.edutopia.org/article/resources-promoting-social-and-emotional-learning-home/

Volunteering together https://www.playtimes.com.hk/volunteer-opportunities-hong-kong/

2. Shaping Courage

Confidence is based on what you have, and Courage is based on what you do not necessarily have but will gain even more as you act. Courage may embrace fear, choose to trust, face shame, dare to cry, and forgive own self or others. Courage can take place even when there is fear, when there is doubt, when there is shame, and when there is grief, or guilt.

Courage is not born out of strength but comes out of being vulnerable. Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston. Her work on Courage, Vulnerability, and shame has helped millions. Take a look at her words on these subjects:

"If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive."

"The real questions for parents should be: "Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?" If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn't exist, and I've found what makes children happy doesn't always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults."

"I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let's think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that's vulnerability."

Embracing vulnerability is to be courageous. Sometimes we teach our children to stop their crying, stop their complaining, not show their weaknesses, and toughen up. It may give them an illusion of strength, but it prolongs their inner suffering and confuses them when they still feel pain internally. We first have to experience sadness, loss, anger, vulnerability, and all the usual emotions associated with real life, then we gain the capacity to be empathic and affirming towards our children. Engaging all emotions is brave and courageous. 

Jesus embraced his anger when he saw the temple become a marketplace instead of a place of prayer. He expressed his tears at the tomb of Lazarus. He shared his sorrow deep within His soul at the Garden of Gethsemane. He embraced a life full of wonders and also sorrows. Engaging all emotions is brave.

Jesus' Courage may have come from His parents, Joseph and Mary. They were brave to take the words of the angel at face value. They were courageous to accept each other as the parents of this unprecedented birth. They went on a courageous journey to Bethlehem with uncertainties. They lived with Courage in times of danger when King Herod tried to kill all babies. An angel told Joseph the name of their baby, Emmanuel. That is, "God is with us." With this Child, Courage is born. Joseph and Mary lived out the Courage in Jesus' lifetime and became the living example of Courage. Jesus lives and breathes with Courage. He is our light in dark hours of cowardice. 

May your family celebrate this courageous season with songs, reflection, and Scripture at this Christmas online concert: https://youtu.be/-k41Wjg6jn0

Or if you prefer a movie: https://youtu.be/cu0aohQugT0

Do check out these extra references on Courage:

TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Podcast https://onbeing.org/programs/brene-brown-the-courage-to-be-vulnerable-jan2015/

The Gifts of Imperfection (2010),  

Daring Greatly (2012) and Rising Strong (2015). 

Brown's new book is called Braving the Wilderness(2017).